Four Letters

Two in love can make it, take my heart but please don't break it. - L-O-V-E, Nat King Cole

On the tip of my tongue, about to slip, murmured, whispered in the throes of passion. How many times those four letters have soaked my brain while lost in a kiss, enveloped in your embrace, gone in the warmth of your skin? But it is too soon to throw that card into the game as the consequences of those harmless letters scare me as much as they would probably shock you. I take refugee in “like” while the big “L” looms in the horizon, taking the safer route in this “up in the air” relationship that progresses safely but slowly.

I believe that, even if you said you never would, you feel something as pure and wild as what makes my heart beat when I see you. Even if this stolen minutes taste like too little, even if they are only a peek in what it could be, even if I am still too scared to let myself all out on you. I cannot explain why I know but I see something in you that it is mine, that you already gave to me without me asking. And little by little you start admitting to yourself that this is more than a momentary fling. I watch you figure it out, give in gradually, always showing a bit more, conceding, dropping hints to feed my fire. But I have to wait, I have to sit pretty and let you figure it out.

I made some mistakes along the way, I know. Just being too careful, I have not let you see the turmoil inside of me, I have kept some questions unasked. I got so used to live in fear that I am scared of your reactions if we discuss a “touchy” subject. I know I should let go of old scars but it will take some time until I let myself lay all out in front of you, completely naked, letting you discover my every corner, my every fear, happiness and misery. And maybe then I will open the doors for those four letters, let them flood you with their sound. Until then, enclosed under chains and locks in a corner of my brain, they scream in my pores when you touch me, heat up my lips when I kiss you, and consume my body in your arms hoping that, just by sensing their warmth, you would whisper them in my ear someday.

Album

 “When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life, I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.”- Photograph,  Jamie Cullum. 

So I am one year older, one year wiser. I haven’t felt this free and happy in years. I feel reborn and at peace with myself. Maybe a little worn and tattered around the edges, but ready to open a white, clean, new page to scribble on. Life is a roller coaster, a merry-go-round and a parade. Why just choose only one when you can enjoy all three?

I am proud to say that, since I can remember, I have lived to the fullest. Loved, hated, screamed, cried, laughed, smiled…felt with all my heart and soul. Passionate as I am sometimes things looked a tad subdued but deep inside I knew that a fiery fire kept burning, my unquenchable thirst kept me going. A good friend called it “lust for life”, the spark that I thought I lost but still was there, tucked under a warm blanket, waiting to be awakened by the new day. A new day, a new road, a new life…

How many promise does this new life hold? I am sure that if what is on store is half as exciting as what has been past I am in for a good ride. And I know my travel companions are the best. Along these years I have probably gathered the most interesting, diverse, witty, beautiful, loving, sweet, intelligent, amazing, wonderful group of friends. And do not expect normal. After all, who’s normal? They are extravagant, spectacular, extraordinary. Spread all around the globe, always there (or almost), can turn into anything you need in a given moment. Deep conversationalists, great cooks, mum confidantes, elegant clubbers, gossip queens, smart conspirers … take your pick because you’ll find at least one of each. If I need a bear hug, a silly laugh, a good cry, some screaming or a plain old good apple pie… I know where to find them. And they know they have me, whenever they need me (or I hope they do!)

Looking back has been painful, but not anymore. There is so much good in my life that comes from my past. So much promise, so much magic. Sometimes I might not be able to see it but today I embrace it. Today my album is full of good memories.

K-i-s-s-i-n-g

I just want your extra time and your KISS._ Kiss, Prince

When you kiss somebody passionately you are overcome by a tsunami of sensations and emotions, a bomb to the mind and senses. You concentrate on the kiss itself, the texture of the lips, the rhythm, the wetness, the sweetness. You see yourself being kissed, and picture the person you are kissing. You can see a past embodiment of that person or peek through your eyelashes to get a glimpse of the present. Your heart beats faster; you can feel your own pulse, the warmth of his breath, the taste of his mouth. You are entirely invaded with a mix of mismatch feelings that can include surprise, delight, desire, fear, loss, lust, insanity, pure love... In a split second, the amount and range of these emotions is infinite.

But, no matter how hard you kiss, you will never get a glance into the other person’s mind. Sometimes I wish I could see and feel what's on the mind of my kisser...

Withdrawal

Don't you know that you are toxic.- Toxic, Britney Spears.

So I decided I would let you go. And right there, my testosterone levels take over and I want to see you again for a full-blown, sex-filled farewell. My hormones are raging and my brain is cornered, mumbling to itself incoherent gibberish. From what I can gather, the poor thing is losing the battle.

“Just one more time, it won’t hurt…” But I know it would. I get more, I want more. I am a total druggie when it comes to you. Our chemistry is so mind-blowing and so strong that I can’t believe you are not affected at all by it. Or maybe you are. I just hope I could be in your head, read what you think. But the only message I get from you is pushing me away but not letting me go. You want me to be free, you even point out I can get whomever I choose but you do still want to have me when you see me. Wow, it sounds horrible spelled out.

However, I fool myself believing that if I stick to it a little bit more then you will show your “true colors.” Because all your arguments sound so contrived, because they do not ring true. Because maybe you see me suffering so far away and you do not want to tie me to something I cannot have. And then the little devil in me kicks in with its own contribution: he lone wolf will find his soul mate, younger and cuter than you, and settle with her. The end of the tale is always the same: bitter me, alone, festering in my own solitude. Nice preview! Duh!

If there was a rehab for broken hearts I would probably be first in line. I am addicted to what you make me feel, you are positively toxic. Withdrawal is way too hard for me. Just give me another dose, just a little one and maybe then I will start listening to my brain. Maybe…

Letting go

No hay nada más bello que lo que nunca he tenido, nada más amado que lo que perdí. _ Lucía, Joan Manuel Serrat

So I am learning to let go. I am cutting the string and letting the balloon fly into the big blue sky. The weekend came and went and emotions came and went with it, rising and falling in waves of pure feeling. I missed you, missed you deeply. I followed your empty space like a lap dog, longing for the warmth of your embrace. I laid awake in my bed, going through the dreams of you, my imagination playing old games; memory bits of caresses, kisses and sensations, burning inside out only to wake up with my cheek on a cold pillow. I heard your voice, miles away, so close and yet so far away. I lied to myself. I got disappointed. I made myself busy to stop thinking. I cried. And now I am done, spent. I am not giving anymore because I have nothing else. Or maybe I do, but I am keeping it to myself.

I know I am as much to blame as anybody else. I just expected too much. Many things that you are not able or willing to give. Maybe I believe in love and you don’t. Maybe, when you told me that I could have anybody I wanted it was my cue to scream that I want nobody but you. But I kept that to myself, deciding to bother you with the craziness that surrounds me instead of the insanity that you inspire. Because I did not need any commitment from you to commit myself to your delicious mouth. And that’s why I am letting go, because I obstinately decided to embrace you while you where looking somewhere else, expecting that by clinging you’ll end up looking into my eyes and sinking your heart into mine. Too much to expect.

You told me once it is more important to know what you do not want instead of what you want. I do not want this constant thought of you, this feeling of betrayal every time some new guy talks to me. I do not want to be tied to a story by my own stubbornness, a story going nowhere as you are not willing to get lost in it with me. I do not want to be dead for months to revive only for a few days every year, stealing a couple of hours here and there, playing on your schedule, a calendar that might include or exclude me. I do not want to hear you telling me how you will sleep with another girl but think of me when she goes home. I don’t want to be another notch in your bedpost.

I fell for you years ago sharing of a plate of spicy calamari and a glass of wine. I suffered for years, locked in a loveless marriage, burning slowly for you, not knowing if I was even worth of your attention. And then you kissed me, the most unexpected, crazy, delicious kiss. And I was confused but continued in the inertia I was living until I couldn’t take no more. I was finally free and allowed myself the pleasure of falling for you. And discovered with surprise, that you give me so much peace when I am around you but hell when I am away from you. Madly so, I know what I do not want but I want you with all my heart. That’s why I am letting you go, because I can’t have you. You are a free spirit and you’ll always be. I cannot cut your wings.

But I only have one more request: don’t call me, don’t meet with me, and don’t look for me. I need to erase as if you never existed. Because while there is a you in the world, there is nobody else in the world for me. I need you to disappear so I can let myself finally go.

Missing you

I miss walking my dog early in an autumn morning, breathing the cool air coming from the Hudson, surrounded by the changing leafs of the tall and ancient trees of Riverside Park. I miss my comfortable apartment, with its high ceilings and immense windows overlooking West End Avenue. I miss taking Eloisa in her stroller to the supermarket, down Broadway, in the hustle and bustle of my multicultural neighbourhood. I miss the craziness of Times Square, my co-workers in the MTV building, the water-cooler conversations, the after work drinks. I miss having a burrito in Chipotle with my Jens. I miss sunny days in Central Park, sitting on a blanket in Sheeps Meadow. I miss late night drinks at the Blind Tiger, talking with the bartender, making new friends among the patrons. I miss dinner at the cool new restaurant in the Lower East Side, synchronized waiters at Tabla, birthday parties of dear friends in a tiny dark lounge. I miss smoking a cigarette at the balcony while everybody dances at the last “maricas y mujeres” party. I miss Sunday matinees, piano bars, show tunes, karaokes and little jazz bands warming the night. I miss a snowy day with cassoulet in Jarnac. I miss getting lost in your streets, breathing your air… I miss you. I left my heart in a Manhattan cross street.

Old Flames

Never say never. Ha! Let me laugh now! Saturday night was one of the most interesting nights of my life. And I bet some people never thought they were going to hear what they ended up hearing. Mainly because I never thought I would tell what I ended up telling. Some of them are probably scandalized. I´m sure I´ll hear different extended versions from a third person a few months from now but… honestly, who cares?

I got an unexpected phone call past Thursday. The “Old Guard” was meeting up for dinner. Old friends from the neighborhood I grew up in. Some I liked, some I disliked. The list of attendees sounded bearable and I did not have anything better to do Saturday night. I had a plan, not a very fascinating one, but better than nothing

Lately I feel I have never looked better but the prospect of seeing some of these people scared me. For instance, I hadn’t seen my teenage crush for over 15 years… easily. “He is probably bald and fat now” – I thought. I even made jokes about it… So when I finally arrived and saw him… Wow!

Please keep in mind I fell for this guy when I was 12. He was barely 16. I was obsessed with him for years to no end. And he did not even pay attention to me, he saw me as the annoying child I was. I even had something with other kid from the neighborhood so he would probably see me differently. And then I found out he was hooking up on and off with another girl from the group. Not good, lots of teenage angst and uncertainity…

He sits by my side. There’s some kind of electricity. Or maybe I am fooling myself. During dinner, He brings my attention to him, so we can talk privately for a few seconds, before our attention is dragged again to the rest. The entire table, one by one, is updating the rest on their respective lives. We are the only ones left. When it comes to talking about my current relationships, I am completely honest. I name a name, tell a little about the last few months. I can feel a slight air of disappointment coming from his side but I am not sure… Maybe I am imagining things. Later in the night he makes some kind commentary that makes a lot of sense. Or maybe not? He tells his story and, as he says to me privately, we have a lot in common. More than we expected. Then he says he has a girlfriend and the air of disappointment comes from my side this time. But you never know. Drinks are being poured and we are all confessing. We all laugh. From the heart, it´s all nice and honest. Suddenly everybody is gone from our table and we are alone and the conversation is red hot. He is dying to kiss me and I know it. I am not 16 anymore. I am miles away from the teenager, I can read his eyes. I am tipsy and I am playing the game. Why not? I have nothing to lose as I do not have nothing.

He drives me home after a friend coaxes him to do so. Nothing has happened. Just conversation, laughs, some teasing. Nothing has happened in 23 years! We get home and, first of all, he wants my phone number. And then, we kiss. It tastes like being a teenager again, like endless summers of sun and adventures. “Eres mala” he says. “You have no idea” I want to say. And then, we say good night.

Rain

Weather has changed in the blink of an eye. One day it is sunny and hot, the next it is rainy and cold. Rain usually brings a reflecting mood over me, confronts me head to head with my feelings. And today I feel like the weather. Like the contestants of Project Runway, “one day I'm in and the next one I¡m out.”

I am infatuated, that much I know. But I do not want to fall in love. I cannot afford that. I cannot lose my head over someone that lives so far away. Even if I think he is absolutely perfect for me. That’s the moment when I get my infamous grip and let go. But this overcomes me with fear as I do not want to lose what I feel when I am around him. Therefore, I attach myself again to the uncertainty. Because it would be so easy to fall head over heels. My body aches for it, my mind is scared shitless. And that’s when I turn to him and I want to delve into his soul and find out what he is really feeling, to see if I am getting myself in deep waters for nothing, if I am risking getting my heart broken. But still, it really doesn't matter, I would lose myself in the blink of an eye for him, even if in the love game I was always the loser. I would let love take over and be my guiding light.

October

A fantabulous night to make romance

'Neath the cover of October skies
._Moondance by Van Morrison

So here I am, freaking out because I have to tell my mom that he is coming. And, although I can’t wait to melt in his arms and “moondance under the October skyes”, the prospect of having a fight with my mom really puts me off. Because, even if I am an adult now, she totally makes me feel like a child. In fact, to her, I’ll always be her child.

One sign that I have grown though is that I am not going to lie. I do not want to lie. If I was 17 and running away for the weekend with a cute guy it may have made sense to lie. But I am 35 and a mom so the prospect of lying is ridiculous. I know I have an obligation towards my daughter and I am also conscious of the respect I owe my mom while living with her. But she has to respect me too, respect my decisions and the freedom I deserve as an adult.

But now that I am a mom myself I can see things through her eyes and I know she will freak out. She will see the story repeated all over again: the foreigner that comes to steal her daughter and to take her far away. Nothing further from the truth because, at this point, we are only “amigos con derecho a roce” (literally “friends with touching/rubbing rights”). But after all, if that happened, I would have my every right to decide what I want to do with my life, as long as it is good for my daughter too. Because I am completely aware that I am not alone, that I cannot lose my head and do something crazy anymore. Because I have an obligation towards my lovely baby girl. She is the only person in this world that I have to respond to. Why am I so afraid of my mom then?

Wild Card

I came back. I returned to mend my broken heart, to get strong in the place where I grew up, where everything was familiar and comforting. And it was hard. I was destroyed. The old me was gone, somebody stepped all over it for 6 years. In the last few months in NY, whatever was left of my ego was squashed like a bug. My little baby girl was the only thing that kept me together. I had to take care of her. And to take care of her I had to take care of myself.

Back home I already made the most difficult move, to get out of an existence that was annihilating my soul. I was strong, I did it. Everybody was congratulating me but I felt lost, tired and worthless.

I spent some more money on a short vacation with family I had not seen in ages. That encounter healed my soul and made me focus. I had to stand up for myself, I had to attend to my needs and find a way to attend to my daughter’s needs.

In September, I started a job with an old friend. The conditions were not “ideal” but I needed to start somewhere. He didn’t pay me for two months. For the first time in my life, I snapped without thinking about the consequences. I lost a friend. Who cares? Just another loss. No vampires were going to suck me dry anymore.

November found me centered on myself and a new job. I lost weigh. Lots of it. Around 20 pounds total. I was looking good and I started to gain some long lost self esteem. Yay me! But just a few weeks later, cutting budgets made my new job disappear. Tough luck, you chose the worst time to come back. Crisis started every headline on the paper. But in the end, one door closes and one window opens.

In February I start temping. The company is good. The job is something I have never done before. I love it because it brings up the idea of a new career path, something interesting and cool. I really do not know how long I am going to be here but I seize the moment. Things start to stabilize.

April arrives and it seems the universe is conspiring on my side once again… After nine months away, I have to return to NY for a short visit. I am dying to see my old friends, show my new and improved self. Can’t wait to see my pretty city at the other side of the Hudson. But then destiny throws in a wild card. As the song says, Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun. Or is it?

Two Essential As

Just to see his smile makes my life worthwhile. _To Know Him is to Love Him by Amy Winehouse.

I remember the morning I met two of the most essential people in my life. I can recall the place, the way the room looked, the season, the weather, the time of the day. But I cannot remember if there was anybody else there except my two As. They kind of swallowed everybody else in my memory. And it was only a matter of time until we became "thick as thieves." But we started as mere co-workers.

The first A was somebody that, with time, became my brother. His sweet friendly smile made me click with him immediatly. We were laughing out loud in just a few minutes, cracking up and making jokes. Just a few months later we were confidants. Our friendship strengthened during the hard times that came just years later. He has a permanent room in my heart and I hope I have him in my life for many, many years to come.

The second A blew me away with what I call "his million watts smile." Our boss described it as "the smile that melts." I swear it does. There, I confess. If one moment in my life defines the terms "instant attraction," that would be it. I heard "Get a grip!"inside my brain a thousand times. At that point, I had only felt once before that insane, crazy, uncontrolable burn. Call it lust, call it freaking awesome magnetism. Still, until now, I cannot explain to myself what kind of chain chemical reaction does this A start in me every time I see him. Just complete and utter loss of rational thinking and control.

So there they were, ready to start the day, my two As. Friendly, lovely, brotherly A and brazilian, lose-my-mind, I-do-not-know-what-to-call-you A. The first day at my new job... just another regular day at work...

Buying a ticket to Paris

So I got married and moved to NY. Now that I look at it from a distance, I married for all the wrong reasons. I did not want to get married to start with. I always thought that marriage a useless institution. So I surprised myself picking a dress and moving forward with all the social conventions. I guess I did not have anything better to do either. Preparing that wedding was my one and only job.

Well, I lie. During that time I went through a grueling selection process to get a job I always wanted… I finally got the offer but never took it because “I was getting married and moving out of the country.” I regretted this so many times after... until I got tired of regretting. If I regretted every single “bad choice” I made in my life, I would be brooding forever. And you never know what good you will end up extracting of the “bad choice”.

So I arrived in New York the last day of September of 2002, I had a couple of suitcases, a home, a husband and a lot of dreams. Six years later, July 16th 2008, I landed in Madrid with my little girl, a stroller, three suitcases, and part of my 401K money, the rest spent in moving back our stuff that, at that point, was floating somewhere in the Atlantic. My dreams were long gone and, as my dear Iranian brother said “I looked like a ghost.” Probably because I felt like one.

Diaries to Timbuctu: the Beginning

My brother from another mother suggested that I start a blog and that he would be my first reader. Being that I have been thinking about it for a while, I am finally going ahead with it. Anything that pops into my mind will go in here, the good, the bad, the ugly... We'll see how it goes, we'll see who ends up reading it, we'll see if I update it enough.

The title... pretty much explained above and based on something one of my friends told me when I returned to "Timbuctu." Hope you enjoy it... hope I keep it up.

Ready for the trip?... Let's go!