Letting go

No hay nada más bello que lo que nunca he tenido, nada más amado que lo que perdí. _ Lucía, Joan Manuel Serrat

So I am learning to let go. I am cutting the string and letting the balloon fly into the big blue sky. The weekend came and went and emotions came and went with it, rising and falling in waves of pure feeling. I missed you, missed you deeply. I followed your empty space like a lap dog, longing for the warmth of your embrace. I laid awake in my bed, going through the dreams of you, my imagination playing old games; memory bits of caresses, kisses and sensations, burning inside out only to wake up with my cheek on a cold pillow. I heard your voice, miles away, so close and yet so far away. I lied to myself. I got disappointed. I made myself busy to stop thinking. I cried. And now I am done, spent. I am not giving anymore because I have nothing else. Or maybe I do, but I am keeping it to myself.

I know I am as much to blame as anybody else. I just expected too much. Many things that you are not able or willing to give. Maybe I believe in love and you don’t. Maybe, when you told me that I could have anybody I wanted it was my cue to scream that I want nobody but you. But I kept that to myself, deciding to bother you with the craziness that surrounds me instead of the insanity that you inspire. Because I did not need any commitment from you to commit myself to your delicious mouth. And that’s why I am letting go, because I obstinately decided to embrace you while you where looking somewhere else, expecting that by clinging you’ll end up looking into my eyes and sinking your heart into mine. Too much to expect.

You told me once it is more important to know what you do not want instead of what you want. I do not want this constant thought of you, this feeling of betrayal every time some new guy talks to me. I do not want to be tied to a story by my own stubbornness, a story going nowhere as you are not willing to get lost in it with me. I do not want to be dead for months to revive only for a few days every year, stealing a couple of hours here and there, playing on your schedule, a calendar that might include or exclude me. I do not want to hear you telling me how you will sleep with another girl but think of me when she goes home. I don’t want to be another notch in your bedpost.

I fell for you years ago sharing of a plate of spicy calamari and a glass of wine. I suffered for years, locked in a loveless marriage, burning slowly for you, not knowing if I was even worth of your attention. And then you kissed me, the most unexpected, crazy, delicious kiss. And I was confused but continued in the inertia I was living until I couldn’t take no more. I was finally free and allowed myself the pleasure of falling for you. And discovered with surprise, that you give me so much peace when I am around you but hell when I am away from you. Madly so, I know what I do not want but I want you with all my heart. That’s why I am letting you go, because I can’t have you. You are a free spirit and you’ll always be. I cannot cut your wings.

But I only have one more request: don’t call me, don’t meet with me, and don’t look for me. I need to erase as if you never existed. Because while there is a you in the world, there is nobody else in the world for me. I need you to disappear so I can let myself finally go.