To and Fro

I'll be stood there waiting for you, boy, you've got me

.- Oh Boy, Duffy

This is a letter I will never send, it is a confession my lips will never pronounce. I’ve been thinking and, mind me, I am dangerous when I think. But there are certainties that I cannot overlook anymore and I need to unload, even to a blank page, the turmoil of needy emotion that is driving me crazy.

I fell in love with you in front of a plate of calamari and a glass of wine. Until then it was just a weird energy, the flirty remarks, the fun nudging. But that day you opened to me, I learnt about your dreams and I saw your heart. I was so scared, so ingrained in the status quo, that I disregarded it. I should have listened to my heart, screaming, begging for a kiss that you would not give me, a kiss that would have opened the floodgates to complete adoration.

After promising that it would never happen, when I was just starting to convince myself that my obsession with you was a teenager’s infatuation, you kissed me. And you threw my world for a spin. I will never understand what went through your mind that night. I know pretty well what I went through mine. I cannot confess how many times I wished to have my husband vanish only to spend some stolen moments with you. I fantasized, oh yes, I did. Fantasies that sometimes kept me from falling into desperation. If I was desirable enough to have you kiss me, maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.

Dark times came and went, there you were again. And now it was real. And now it was possible. You felt like an exciting familiar stranger. I felt self-conscious. I was also so hurt, so changed, so trying to find myself again. I am still trying, it is not easy to recover from such pain. But adorable you, lovable you, you filled my world. It took me a few months to rationalize the two nights that put me up in cloud nine. To stop acting like a lovelorn teenager. But still. Day and night, you follow me everywhere I go.

A year has passed, all the times we have stolen to life are precious and I carry them in my heart, rejoicing on the ease of it all. Just sitting silent side by side feels comfortable. I cherish your company, I long for it. Oh, God, I miss you! I spend more time missing you than with you. And that´s why I am mad, it is unfair. It was the right time for all of this to happen but I am on the wrong place. And not only geographically, but because my life is filled with constant fires that I have to put out. Nobody deserves to carry my burdens with me, much less you.

So the last time I was there, enjoying every minute shared with you, something on the back of my mind went like a pendulum, to and fro, between confessing or giving up. I don’t know where I stand with you, you do not let me see much. I do not know if you are scared of giving yourself in too much into something that is based in 3 visits a year. But I am invested in this, I cannot cheat. I would feel horrible if I did something with someone that was not you. And maybe that’s why I need to stop this, before I hurt myself too much, before I put so much into this game. Sometimes I think I deserve the chance to have a normal life, somebody to date that lives a few blocks from my home, at least in the same country. To watch a movie cuddling on the couch with a bag of microwave popcorn, to call every day, date every other weekend, go out for dinner, spend every free minute together. But I only want to do that with you, I do not want anybody else. I need your presence, your scent, your mindless conversation, your wise advice. I need those brief visits to turn more permanent. It is so hard to wait for a week of bliss when so many weeks are filled with nothingness. Still, I am a player and I want to keep on playing this game of pleasure and suffering. Maybe I do not deserve a regular “boyfriend”, maybe the stars want me to always have this unreachable dream love.

Please believe me when I say that if something ever happened to you, my life will be empty. I hope one day I can have what I deserve. And I hope it is more than 3 visits per year.

My Way

Sex is something that we should do

Sex is something for me and you

.- I want your s*x by George Michael

Kiss me, kiss me long and passionate, play with my hair, sneak your hands under my clothes. Kiss me in your car like you did that time, when I was so taken and so scared, when all the worries of the world disappeared in your lips for an instant. This time I won´t worry, this time I won’t fear the consequences. This time I will let myself go in your arms, give myself to you completely.

It will be slow, almost hesitant. I´ll play with the fringe of your t-shirt, tease you, touch your flat stomach with my warm hands only to take it off slowly, unlocking our kiss for only a second. By then, your skin will be burning with desire. Under my dress, your finger will twist around the lacy strap of my bra, one hand reaching slowly across my back to undo it. I might stop you then, I might slow things a bit but pushing you softly to your sofa, laying on top of you, brushing my cheek against your skin, dizzy with its delicious contact. My skin then will only be a promise; I will give it to you on my own terms, in my own time. But first let me drown in your warmth, in your musky, manly scent. Give me a few seconds to admire you, to lick every pore, softly bite every arch and kiss every inch of your worshipped body. Only then my skin will be yours, warmth against warmth, my soft curves embracing your taut body.

We’ll rub against each other like animals in heat, going to the most primitive essence of our selves, still some clothes on, some barriers to be overcome. But always slowly, savouring every minute, tasting every second, rejoicing in those few moments of stolen company.

My fingers will get tied unbuckling your belt, your hands will reach blindly to jump my last hurdle. And then, I’ll get dressed in your skin and your wrap around me, while you return the little tokens of adoration I gave your earlier, getting lost in the mountains and valleys, reaching every creak and fold, kissing, nibbling, conquering my body with an unquenchable yearning. Caresses and kisses will drift and fly, landing in unexpected places. I will taste myself in your mouth, the saltiness of an unbearable longing.

Only then, after a long exploration our limitless landscapes, we’ll melt into each other, shapeshifting into a strange animal, two minds turned one, locked into an intimate space. We’ll ride the waves of pleasure, surfing together in the twilight until a last bright ray of sunlight brings us to the boundary of heaven. We will vanish in its powerful force, holding for dear life, letting go, bursting into joyful bliss.

And right after, with infinite tenderness, you will kiss off a loose strand of hair from my forehead. That’s how things are when they are my way…

Compliments

Don't care about all the pain in front of me, I just wanna be happy. - Happy, Leona Lewis 

I have been carrying a burden, a burden of words. Words can weight somebody down and hurt more than a punch on the face. Words can kill. And I have heard some words during the last two years that reverberate in my head once in a while. Most of the hurtful words I heard – and, mind me, I heard quite a good share of them – have been erased from my mind because the turmoil of emotions that I felt at that time drowned them in my memory. Good and bad sank in the storm of my divorce. I feel pain when I cannot remember the first months of my child’s life but I am grateful that some of the horrible stuff went away too, erased and drained through that loophole that protects ourselves from further damage. Once in a while I recall some lines, here and there, but most of it is a blur that I cannot even believe I went through. Sometimes I feel so detached that it is as if some actress played my role in the movie of my life. I do not even feel that woman was I at some point.

But going back to painful words, there are two sentences that I just cannot erase and that have been torturing me for the last few days. Maybe writing, dissecting and sharing them will conjure them out of my system. I just can hope. They were: You were the worst wife ever, which I heard around a month ago from my ex-husband and You are a wonderful person but you have wasted yourself away all these years making bad choices which was delivered to me in the wee hours before Saturday´s dawn by an old acquaintance. I know how wrong these two sentences are but, only because of that, they are not less hurtful. I do not feel I have to justify myself to these people for my past actions but I feel they are so blind to their own actions and interests that they are unable to see, much less feel, how their words can produce so much pain. In the first case though, I will even consider they totally are aimed to be painful. In the second case, it has not been the first time somebody tells me something like that, usually paired with an “I told you so.” It also interesting that this kind of comment usually comes from older male friends/acquaintances that, at some point, wanted to get into my pants. That gives them what they think is a right of opinion over my actions, cannot even imagine what they would say if they actually got to sleep with me at some point. I guess desire gives some people wings in the worst way imaginable. But regardless of the people that pronounced them, I try to look at them from their perspective. And then I see how tainted those statements are and I cannot even believe why I feel such pain. Reality is in the eye of the beholder and if the people that said things like the ones above really believe them to their ultimate implications, those people do not deserve a space in my life, not even an thought, much less my pain.

These two years have been a learning experience, a trip I never wanted to take. I did start it without knowing where I was going, not even happy with the decisions I had to make, the measures I had to take. I am still not happy, I wish I was able to do things differently. But nevertheless, these two years are a reflection of life in general, of how sometimes you are taken to places where you do not want to be and how facing and embracing them is the only way to get through with that hard job that is living. I have also learnt for all the lovely people in your life, there’s always going to be a couple of assholes. And that the only person that you always have left is yourself, that sometimes you are the only one that can make the compliment, look in the mirror and praise that being that looks at you with your same eyes. You have to love yourself more than anything, not in a selfish way, just giving yourself a break and a tap in the shoulder once in a while. I always believed I was not good enough; I spent my life looking for somebody to tell me that I was beautiful, drinking thirstily from other people’s compliments and never feeling half full. Only when I started believing I was beautiful myself, my glass spilled over. And, even if my beliefs are still fragile and the assholes still come barrelling through, I will stick to myself and don’t deprive my pretty self of all the love that I deserve.

Four Letters

Two in love can make it, take my heart but please don't break it. - L-O-V-E, Nat King Cole

On the tip of my tongue, about to slip, murmured, whispered in the throes of passion. How many times those four letters have soaked my brain while lost in a kiss, enveloped in your embrace, gone in the warmth of your skin? But it is too soon to throw that card into the game as the consequences of those harmless letters scare me as much as they would probably shock you. I take refugee in “like” while the big “L” looms in the horizon, taking the safer route in this “up in the air” relationship that progresses safely but slowly.

I believe that, even if you said you never would, you feel something as pure and wild as what makes my heart beat when I see you. Even if this stolen minutes taste like too little, even if they are only a peek in what it could be, even if I am still too scared to let myself all out on you. I cannot explain why I know but I see something in you that it is mine, that you already gave to me without me asking. And little by little you start admitting to yourself that this is more than a momentary fling. I watch you figure it out, give in gradually, always showing a bit more, conceding, dropping hints to feed my fire. But I have to wait, I have to sit pretty and let you figure it out.

I made some mistakes along the way, I know. Just being too careful, I have not let you see the turmoil inside of me, I have kept some questions unasked. I got so used to live in fear that I am scared of your reactions if we discuss a “touchy” subject. I know I should let go of old scars but it will take some time until I let myself lay all out in front of you, completely naked, letting you discover my every corner, my every fear, happiness and misery. And maybe then I will open the doors for those four letters, let them flood you with their sound. Until then, enclosed under chains and locks in a corner of my brain, they scream in my pores when you touch me, heat up my lips when I kiss you, and consume my body in your arms hoping that, just by sensing their warmth, you would whisper them in my ear someday.

Album

 “When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life, I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.”- Photograph,  Jamie Cullum. 

So I am one year older, one year wiser. I haven’t felt this free and happy in years. I feel reborn and at peace with myself. Maybe a little worn and tattered around the edges, but ready to open a white, clean, new page to scribble on. Life is a roller coaster, a merry-go-round and a parade. Why just choose only one when you can enjoy all three?

I am proud to say that, since I can remember, I have lived to the fullest. Loved, hated, screamed, cried, laughed, smiled…felt with all my heart and soul. Passionate as I am sometimes things looked a tad subdued but deep inside I knew that a fiery fire kept burning, my unquenchable thirst kept me going. A good friend called it “lust for life”, the spark that I thought I lost but still was there, tucked under a warm blanket, waiting to be awakened by the new day. A new day, a new road, a new life…

How many promise does this new life hold? I am sure that if what is on store is half as exciting as what has been past I am in for a good ride. And I know my travel companions are the best. Along these years I have probably gathered the most interesting, diverse, witty, beautiful, loving, sweet, intelligent, amazing, wonderful group of friends. And do not expect normal. After all, who’s normal? They are extravagant, spectacular, extraordinary. Spread all around the globe, always there (or almost), can turn into anything you need in a given moment. Deep conversationalists, great cooks, mum confidantes, elegant clubbers, gossip queens, smart conspirers … take your pick because you’ll find at least one of each. If I need a bear hug, a silly laugh, a good cry, some screaming or a plain old good apple pie… I know where to find them. And they know they have me, whenever they need me (or I hope they do!)

Looking back has been painful, but not anymore. There is so much good in my life that comes from my past. So much promise, so much magic. Sometimes I might not be able to see it but today I embrace it. Today my album is full of good memories.

K-i-s-s-i-n-g

I just want your extra time and your KISS._ Kiss, Prince

When you kiss somebody passionately you are overcome by a tsunami of sensations and emotions, a bomb to the mind and senses. You concentrate on the kiss itself, the texture of the lips, the rhythm, the wetness, the sweetness. You see yourself being kissed, and picture the person you are kissing. You can see a past embodiment of that person or peek through your eyelashes to get a glimpse of the present. Your heart beats faster; you can feel your own pulse, the warmth of his breath, the taste of his mouth. You are entirely invaded with a mix of mismatch feelings that can include surprise, delight, desire, fear, loss, lust, insanity, pure love... In a split second, the amount and range of these emotions is infinite.

But, no matter how hard you kiss, you will never get a glance into the other person’s mind. Sometimes I wish I could see and feel what's on the mind of my kisser...

Withdrawal

Don't you know that you are toxic.- Toxic, Britney Spears.

So I decided I would let you go. And right there, my testosterone levels take over and I want to see you again for a full-blown, sex-filled farewell. My hormones are raging and my brain is cornered, mumbling to itself incoherent gibberish. From what I can gather, the poor thing is losing the battle.

“Just one more time, it won’t hurt…” But I know it would. I get more, I want more. I am a total druggie when it comes to you. Our chemistry is so mind-blowing and so strong that I can’t believe you are not affected at all by it. Or maybe you are. I just hope I could be in your head, read what you think. But the only message I get from you is pushing me away but not letting me go. You want me to be free, you even point out I can get whomever I choose but you do still want to have me when you see me. Wow, it sounds horrible spelled out.

However, I fool myself believing that if I stick to it a little bit more then you will show your “true colors.” Because all your arguments sound so contrived, because they do not ring true. Because maybe you see me suffering so far away and you do not want to tie me to something I cannot have. And then the little devil in me kicks in with its own contribution: he lone wolf will find his soul mate, younger and cuter than you, and settle with her. The end of the tale is always the same: bitter me, alone, festering in my own solitude. Nice preview! Duh!

If there was a rehab for broken hearts I would probably be first in line. I am addicted to what you make me feel, you are positively toxic. Withdrawal is way too hard for me. Just give me another dose, just a little one and maybe then I will start listening to my brain. Maybe…