To and Fro

I'll be stood there waiting for you, boy, you've got me

.- Oh Boy, Duffy

This is a letter I will never send, it is a confession my lips will never pronounce. I’ve been thinking and, mind me, I am dangerous when I think. But there are certainties that I cannot overlook anymore and I need to unload, even to a blank page, the turmoil of needy emotion that is driving me crazy.

I fell in love with you in front of a plate of calamari and a glass of wine. Until then it was just a weird energy, the flirty remarks, the fun nudging. But that day you opened to me, I learnt about your dreams and I saw your heart. I was so scared, so ingrained in the status quo, that I disregarded it. I should have listened to my heart, screaming, begging for a kiss that you would not give me, a kiss that would have opened the floodgates to complete adoration.

After promising that it would never happen, when I was just starting to convince myself that my obsession with you was a teenager’s infatuation, you kissed me. And you threw my world for a spin. I will never understand what went through your mind that night. I know pretty well what I went through mine. I cannot confess how many times I wished to have my husband vanish only to spend some stolen moments with you. I fantasized, oh yes, I did. Fantasies that sometimes kept me from falling into desperation. If I was desirable enough to have you kiss me, maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.

Dark times came and went, there you were again. And now it was real. And now it was possible. You felt like an exciting familiar stranger. I felt self-conscious. I was also so hurt, so changed, so trying to find myself again. I am still trying, it is not easy to recover from such pain. But adorable you, lovable you, you filled my world. It took me a few months to rationalize the two nights that put me up in cloud nine. To stop acting like a lovelorn teenager. But still. Day and night, you follow me everywhere I go.

A year has passed, all the times we have stolen to life are precious and I carry them in my heart, rejoicing on the ease of it all. Just sitting silent side by side feels comfortable. I cherish your company, I long for it. Oh, God, I miss you! I spend more time missing you than with you. And that´s why I am mad, it is unfair. It was the right time for all of this to happen but I am on the wrong place. And not only geographically, but because my life is filled with constant fires that I have to put out. Nobody deserves to carry my burdens with me, much less you.

So the last time I was there, enjoying every minute shared with you, something on the back of my mind went like a pendulum, to and fro, between confessing or giving up. I don’t know where I stand with you, you do not let me see much. I do not know if you are scared of giving yourself in too much into something that is based in 3 visits a year. But I am invested in this, I cannot cheat. I would feel horrible if I did something with someone that was not you. And maybe that’s why I need to stop this, before I hurt myself too much, before I put so much into this game. Sometimes I think I deserve the chance to have a normal life, somebody to date that lives a few blocks from my home, at least in the same country. To watch a movie cuddling on the couch with a bag of microwave popcorn, to call every day, date every other weekend, go out for dinner, spend every free minute together. But I only want to do that with you, I do not want anybody else. I need your presence, your scent, your mindless conversation, your wise advice. I need those brief visits to turn more permanent. It is so hard to wait for a week of bliss when so many weeks are filled with nothingness. Still, I am a player and I want to keep on playing this game of pleasure and suffering. Maybe I do not deserve a regular “boyfriend”, maybe the stars want me to always have this unreachable dream love.

Please believe me when I say that if something ever happened to you, my life will be empty. I hope one day I can have what I deserve. And I hope it is more than 3 visits per year.