Clean slate

I wish you were a stain to wash you off my pores, remove all your scent from me. I’ll pour ice cold water on my lips to cool off the warmth of your kisses. I will peel off the scabs of your scratches on my back and rub off the red mark of your last bite on my shoulder. I will scrub myself until my body is red and tender, hoping that your last caress, the one that was still hanging from skin, goes away down the drain with my feelings.

I wish you were an infection, bacteria entering my system. I would go a course of antibiotics and you would die off, almost instantaneously. But you are a virus, sneaky and cunning. You entered my being and now all my cells are compromised. You intoxicated my heart and my immune system is dumbfounded by the sheer force of your poison.  

I wish you were a tape to rewind all our story and start again. I would have done things differently, been more cautious, kept to myself. I would have saved a joke over your last words, the punch on my face, the door slamming shut. My heart literally sank when I read them, the pain was almost physical and completely unavoidable. My reason would have fought the unilateral decision but my heart was too ragged to follow my thoughts.  

I wish I could cut off the part of my brain that still holds your memories. I now hate my impeccable sensory memory and the images of you invade every resting moment. Your fiendish smile is ingrained in my mind, replaying over and over, burning so hot, hurting so deep, awakening all the emotions, the intensity, the almost spiritual connection that I felt.  And there is the key, I FELT.

There is no soap, lotion, gel, medicine, recorder that can wipe you off. Only time will cure my wounds leaving a nice little scar, another notch on the bedpost of my soul. All these memories will shrink, become less permanent, pop into my mind less often.  A year from now you will be a little speck on my universe. But deep in my heart I will still regret that, at some point, there was still the remote possibility of making YOU my universe.