K-i-s-s-i-n-g

I just want your extra time and your KISS._ Kiss, Prince

When you kiss somebody passionately you are overcome by a tsunami of sensations and emotions, a bomb to the mind and senses. You concentrate on the kiss itself, the texture of the lips, the rhythm, the wetness, the sweetness. You see yourself being kissed, and picture the person you are kissing. You can see a past embodiment of that person or peek through your eyelashes to get a glimpse of the present. Your heart beats faster; you can feel your own pulse, the warmth of his breath, the taste of his mouth. You are entirely invaded with a mix of mismatch feelings that can include surprise, delight, desire, fear, loss, lust, insanity, pure love... In a split second, the amount and range of these emotions is infinite.

But, no matter how hard you kiss, you will never get a glance into the other person’s mind. Sometimes I wish I could see and feel what's on the mind of my kisser...

Withdrawal

Don't you know that you are toxic.- Toxic, Britney Spears.

So I decided I would let you go. And right there, my testosterone levels take over and I want to see you again for a full-blown, sex-filled farewell. My hormones are raging and my brain is cornered, mumbling to itself incoherent gibberish. From what I can gather, the poor thing is losing the battle.

“Just one more time, it won’t hurt…” But I know it would. I get more, I want more. I am a total druggie when it comes to you. Our chemistry is so mind-blowing and so strong that I can’t believe you are not affected at all by it. Or maybe you are. I just hope I could be in your head, read what you think. But the only message I get from you is pushing me away but not letting me go. You want me to be free, you even point out I can get whomever I choose but you do still want to have me when you see me. Wow, it sounds horrible spelled out.

However, I fool myself believing that if I stick to it a little bit more then you will show your “true colors.” Because all your arguments sound so contrived, because they do not ring true. Because maybe you see me suffering so far away and you do not want to tie me to something I cannot have. And then the little devil in me kicks in with its own contribution: he lone wolf will find his soul mate, younger and cuter than you, and settle with her. The end of the tale is always the same: bitter me, alone, festering in my own solitude. Nice preview! Duh!

If there was a rehab for broken hearts I would probably be first in line. I am addicted to what you make me feel, you are positively toxic. Withdrawal is way too hard for me. Just give me another dose, just a little one and maybe then I will start listening to my brain. Maybe…

Letting go

No hay nada más bello que lo que nunca he tenido, nada más amado que lo que perdí. _ Lucía, Joan Manuel Serrat

So I am learning to let go. I am cutting the string and letting the balloon fly into the big blue sky. The weekend came and went and emotions came and went with it, rising and falling in waves of pure feeling. I missed you, missed you deeply. I followed your empty space like a lap dog, longing for the warmth of your embrace. I laid awake in my bed, going through the dreams of you, my imagination playing old games; memory bits of caresses, kisses and sensations, burning inside out only to wake up with my cheek on a cold pillow. I heard your voice, miles away, so close and yet so far away. I lied to myself. I got disappointed. I made myself busy to stop thinking. I cried. And now I am done, spent. I am not giving anymore because I have nothing else. Or maybe I do, but I am keeping it to myself.

I know I am as much to blame as anybody else. I just expected too much. Many things that you are not able or willing to give. Maybe I believe in love and you don’t. Maybe, when you told me that I could have anybody I wanted it was my cue to scream that I want nobody but you. But I kept that to myself, deciding to bother you with the craziness that surrounds me instead of the insanity that you inspire. Because I did not need any commitment from you to commit myself to your delicious mouth. And that’s why I am letting go, because I obstinately decided to embrace you while you where looking somewhere else, expecting that by clinging you’ll end up looking into my eyes and sinking your heart into mine. Too much to expect.

You told me once it is more important to know what you do not want instead of what you want. I do not want this constant thought of you, this feeling of betrayal every time some new guy talks to me. I do not want to be tied to a story by my own stubbornness, a story going nowhere as you are not willing to get lost in it with me. I do not want to be dead for months to revive only for a few days every year, stealing a couple of hours here and there, playing on your schedule, a calendar that might include or exclude me. I do not want to hear you telling me how you will sleep with another girl but think of me when she goes home. I don’t want to be another notch in your bedpost.

I fell for you years ago sharing of a plate of spicy calamari and a glass of wine. I suffered for years, locked in a loveless marriage, burning slowly for you, not knowing if I was even worth of your attention. And then you kissed me, the most unexpected, crazy, delicious kiss. And I was confused but continued in the inertia I was living until I couldn’t take no more. I was finally free and allowed myself the pleasure of falling for you. And discovered with surprise, that you give me so much peace when I am around you but hell when I am away from you. Madly so, I know what I do not want but I want you with all my heart. That’s why I am letting you go, because I can’t have you. You are a free spirit and you’ll always be. I cannot cut your wings.

But I only have one more request: don’t call me, don’t meet with me, and don’t look for me. I need to erase as if you never existed. Because while there is a you in the world, there is nobody else in the world for me. I need you to disappear so I can let myself finally go.