To and Fro

I'll be stood there waiting for you, boy, you've got me

.- Oh Boy, Duffy

This is a letter I will never send, it is a confession my lips will never pronounce. I’ve been thinking and, mind me, I am dangerous when I think. But there are certainties that I cannot overlook anymore and I need to unload, even to a blank page, the turmoil of needy emotion that is driving me crazy.

I fell in love with you in front of a plate of calamari and a glass of wine. Until then it was just a weird energy, the flirty remarks, the fun nudging. But that day you opened to me, I learnt about your dreams and I saw your heart. I was so scared, so ingrained in the status quo, that I disregarded it. I should have listened to my heart, screaming, begging for a kiss that you would not give me, a kiss that would have opened the floodgates to complete adoration.

After promising that it would never happen, when I was just starting to convince myself that my obsession with you was a teenager’s infatuation, you kissed me. And you threw my world for a spin. I will never understand what went through your mind that night. I know pretty well what I went through mine. I cannot confess how many times I wished to have my husband vanish only to spend some stolen moments with you. I fantasized, oh yes, I did. Fantasies that sometimes kept me from falling into desperation. If I was desirable enough to have you kiss me, maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.

Dark times came and went, there you were again. And now it was real. And now it was possible. You felt like an exciting familiar stranger. I felt self-conscious. I was also so hurt, so changed, so trying to find myself again. I am still trying, it is not easy to recover from such pain. But adorable you, lovable you, you filled my world. It took me a few months to rationalize the two nights that put me up in cloud nine. To stop acting like a lovelorn teenager. But still. Day and night, you follow me everywhere I go.

A year has passed, all the times we have stolen to life are precious and I carry them in my heart, rejoicing on the ease of it all. Just sitting silent side by side feels comfortable. I cherish your company, I long for it. Oh, God, I miss you! I spend more time missing you than with you. And that´s why I am mad, it is unfair. It was the right time for all of this to happen but I am on the wrong place. And not only geographically, but because my life is filled with constant fires that I have to put out. Nobody deserves to carry my burdens with me, much less you.

So the last time I was there, enjoying every minute shared with you, something on the back of my mind went like a pendulum, to and fro, between confessing or giving up. I don’t know where I stand with you, you do not let me see much. I do not know if you are scared of giving yourself in too much into something that is based in 3 visits a year. But I am invested in this, I cannot cheat. I would feel horrible if I did something with someone that was not you. And maybe that’s why I need to stop this, before I hurt myself too much, before I put so much into this game. Sometimes I think I deserve the chance to have a normal life, somebody to date that lives a few blocks from my home, at least in the same country. To watch a movie cuddling on the couch with a bag of microwave popcorn, to call every day, date every other weekend, go out for dinner, spend every free minute together. But I only want to do that with you, I do not want anybody else. I need your presence, your scent, your mindless conversation, your wise advice. I need those brief visits to turn more permanent. It is so hard to wait for a week of bliss when so many weeks are filled with nothingness. Still, I am a player and I want to keep on playing this game of pleasure and suffering. Maybe I do not deserve a regular “boyfriend”, maybe the stars want me to always have this unreachable dream love.

Please believe me when I say that if something ever happened to you, my life will be empty. I hope one day I can have what I deserve. And I hope it is more than 3 visits per year.

My Way

Sex is something that we should do

Sex is something for me and you

.- I want your s*x by George Michael

Kiss me, kiss me long and passionate, play with my hair, sneak your hands under my clothes. Kiss me in your car like you did that time, when I was so taken and so scared, when all the worries of the world disappeared in your lips for an instant. This time I won´t worry, this time I won’t fear the consequences. This time I will let myself go in your arms, give myself to you completely.

It will be slow, almost hesitant. I´ll play with the fringe of your t-shirt, tease you, touch your flat stomach with my warm hands only to take it off slowly, unlocking our kiss for only a second. By then, your skin will be burning with desire. Under my dress, your finger will twist around the lacy strap of my bra, one hand reaching slowly across my back to undo it. I might stop you then, I might slow things a bit but pushing you softly to your sofa, laying on top of you, brushing my cheek against your skin, dizzy with its delicious contact. My skin then will only be a promise; I will give it to you on my own terms, in my own time. But first let me drown in your warmth, in your musky, manly scent. Give me a few seconds to admire you, to lick every pore, softly bite every arch and kiss every inch of your worshipped body. Only then my skin will be yours, warmth against warmth, my soft curves embracing your taut body.

We’ll rub against each other like animals in heat, going to the most primitive essence of our selves, still some clothes on, some barriers to be overcome. But always slowly, savouring every minute, tasting every second, rejoicing in those few moments of stolen company.

My fingers will get tied unbuckling your belt, your hands will reach blindly to jump my last hurdle. And then, I’ll get dressed in your skin and your wrap around me, while you return the little tokens of adoration I gave your earlier, getting lost in the mountains and valleys, reaching every creak and fold, kissing, nibbling, conquering my body with an unquenchable yearning. Caresses and kisses will drift and fly, landing in unexpected places. I will taste myself in your mouth, the saltiness of an unbearable longing.

Only then, after a long exploration our limitless landscapes, we’ll melt into each other, shapeshifting into a strange animal, two minds turned one, locked into an intimate space. We’ll ride the waves of pleasure, surfing together in the twilight until a last bright ray of sunlight brings us to the boundary of heaven. We will vanish in its powerful force, holding for dear life, letting go, bursting into joyful bliss.

And right after, with infinite tenderness, you will kiss off a loose strand of hair from my forehead. That’s how things are when they are my way…