20 years

So many adventures given up today,


So many songs we forgot to play.


So many dreams swinging out of the blue


.- Forever Young, Alphaville

20 Years. 20 Years since the last day I stepped out of my old school, heading towards an unknown future, first to prepare my entrance to college, then to college itself. I was only 16, with so many dreams and so many ideas of how my life will look like 20 years from that date. And now that the time has come, I look back and I realize that a very little amount of those dreams came true.

Then I was dating my first love, the person that will give me my first heartache and that would come back into my life years later only to break my heart again. I also had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do with my life, the professional path I wanted to follow, where I wanted to go. I also was naïve enough to think that life will roll the red carpet before me and that there would be an easy path to happiness and fulfilment.

I was young and stupid; I did all the stupid things a young girl is supposed to do. My twenties were so much fun, filled of moments of total insanity while assuming my responsibilities and moving forward as I was supposed to. One thing that I never wanted to be was normal and, although my self-image was seriously damaged by my past, I managed to do and experience things that made me different from a lot of people from my generation.

During these years I also had a constant: my horrible eye for men. I guess that a strong, independent, opinionated woman will always find trouble finding a match. I dated, I had formal boyfriends, I had flings… but I guess I never really fell in love completely, except maybe for my first serious boyfriend. In occasions, I was infatuated, but those infatuations never worked out into a full blown affair. And, more than once, I was brought into relationships by the enthusiasm of the other person involved, more than my own. It is hard to confess that was probably also the story of my marriage. I was not completely convinced, I was swept into it by the interest of my now ex-husband more than my own feelings for him. All the years I spent in the relationship, married or not, where filled with doubt and afterthoughts. But I was willing to bet everything on it, carried away by the thoughts that some people had about the relationship, and a bit of my own stubbornness. And then I became a mom… and everything changed. There I discovered that everybody, even me, has a limit. And that some people do not even deserve to be called so, that there are some “animals” walking with on two legs but with no heart or brains. Some people might think that years will give you enough information about somebody to give you an idea of what you can expect but, in a matter of days, the monster will come out and wipe out any preconceived thoughts you might have about them. But even you might be so caught up in the situation, so ingrained in the status quo that you do not even realize that, even through all the time you spent with somebody, there were things that were not acceptable.

I made some decisions there. I had to. Broken and all, with more responsibilities that I could take at my weakened state I decided to reset my life all over again. Start fresh, from zero. Now I go back to those days and it seemed the easiest way to go. And my soul needed it. But now I recovered, I feel strong again and I reconsider every single step I took then. Life is not easier now, it has never been easy, but I wish I could have acted differently. What looked like an unsurmountable obstacle maybe it wasn’t that difficult after all. But given the circumstances, I did what I thought was the right thing to do and, even if I do, I should not regret it. Everybody has the right to change their minds after all.

That was almost two years ago and now I am in a complete different position. I proved I could take care of myself and my daughter. I was reborn from my ashes, built my strength, rediscovered myself; found that, even if I was not the same person I was before this experience, there was still certain “joie de vivre” deep inside me. But that spark is gently, slowly fading as I find myself trapped in the routine of my every day life. I am a mouse stuck in the wheel, my steps forward keeping me in place, turning round and round in the same spot, going nowhere. Until now I was getting ready for a new period of my life but, now that my mind is ready to depart, the flight is delayed until further notice.

Maybe it is because I do not really belong here anymore. This place is the ideal location for me to recharge but, once my batteries are brimming, there are no dreams for me to follow, my whole energy fades with no goals to accomplish, no future to aspire to. After reviewing my life until now I find myself at a crossroad, a place where I have to decide where I want to go but without the inspiration to guide me on the new road I know I have to take. A road that, hopefully, will lead me to a completely different point to where these 20 years have taken me, a place maybe filled with happiness.