Four Letters

Two in love can make it, take my heart but please don't break it. - L-O-V-E, Nat King Cole

On the tip of my tongue, about to slip, murmured, whispered in the throes of passion. How many times those four letters have soaked my brain while lost in a kiss, enveloped in your embrace, gone in the warmth of your skin? But it is too soon to throw that card into the game as the consequences of those harmless letters scare me as much as they would probably shock you. I take refugee in “like” while the big “L” looms in the horizon, taking the safer route in this “up in the air” relationship that progresses safely but slowly.

I believe that, even if you said you never would, you feel something as pure and wild as what makes my heart beat when I see you. Even if this stolen minutes taste like too little, even if they are only a peek in what it could be, even if I am still too scared to let myself all out on you. I cannot explain why I know but I see something in you that it is mine, that you already gave to me without me asking. And little by little you start admitting to yourself that this is more than a momentary fling. I watch you figure it out, give in gradually, always showing a bit more, conceding, dropping hints to feed my fire. But I have to wait, I have to sit pretty and let you figure it out.

I made some mistakes along the way, I know. Just being too careful, I have not let you see the turmoil inside of me, I have kept some questions unasked. I got so used to live in fear that I am scared of your reactions if we discuss a “touchy” subject. I know I should let go of old scars but it will take some time until I let myself lay all out in front of you, completely naked, letting you discover my every corner, my every fear, happiness and misery. And maybe then I will open the doors for those four letters, let them flood you with their sound. Until then, enclosed under chains and locks in a corner of my brain, they scream in my pores when you touch me, heat up my lips when I kiss you, and consume my body in your arms hoping that, just by sensing their warmth, you would whisper them in my ear someday.