From a tender age I was labeled strong. And as a role in a play, the character seemed to suit me so I followed through building an armor, a perfectly tough exterior that would shield me from the the wounds of life. But somehow, the only thing that my makeshift thick skin seemed to do was to keep the pain inside. Behind the heavy sheets of metal, hid a scared little girl that just wanted to be accepted and loved.
Invulnerability isn't easily dropped. People think that just because you assume the risk, face the challenge, and take a step forward, you are unfazed by rejection and carelessness. And when the smallest thing ticks you off or your guard drops down, they do not seem to be able to manage the real person that has been inside all the time: an emotional girl that is overcome by fear,
My armor is a heavy burden to carry. Very occasionally, when I am overwhelmed or especially sensitive, I take it off. I rarely do it in public, I retreat and remove it piece by piece during moments when solitude protects me. Those days I wear my heart on my sleeve, tears stream easily, and the world seems to lose a bit of its shine. Every warrior needs its rest, a moment to be weak, wallow in pain, revel in fear. The battles are too hard and the road sometimes is too steep.
Some people might think that my though exterior is what has kept me safe all these years from the upheaval of a crazy life that I chose. I risked so much to follow my own happiness, I braved the storms of life with unending courage. But from this lonely standpoint that has become my existence, I sometimes wish there was someone, a cherished companion, that could carefully and safely peel the layers of my ironclad shield that has become a prison of my soul. And maybe, when I am tired, when the onslaught of my day to day becomes too harsh, and the wounds burn, he will become my refuge, the welcome respite of a million battles. That day he will unwrap the thin veil that covers spirit, and leave me trembling, longing for a warm embrace that will craddle and protect me. He will wipe my tears, clean my wounds, kiss my scars, and maybe sing me into a peaceful slumber. And in the morning, a new day will be heralded by the gentle sun and I will need no armor. His strong arms will be my peaceful home, the sweet shelter of my ragged heart.
