Going on 40...

Ramblings and obsessions of a thirty many year old... Man, time is picking up pace and running for the hills. And now I can almost look at the big 4-0 looking at me in the eye. Where has my life gone? Where are all the dreams I had when I was a teenager? Am I still allowed to dream? Can I still start from zero and hope for the best?

I never really thought my life will look like this at 40. I wish there was more happiness. I also hoped more excitement. Life has become like groundhog day, every day waking up to a day that's like a photocopy of yesterday. And only I can change it. Because I could sit here and wait but waiting is not going to do it.My ass is only going to grow bigger.



It is amazing that from this perch of experience I am starting to realize what I really want from life. And that at this point, even after the disappointments and all the shinny dreams that went down the drain, I still hope everything will turn 180 degrees and I will find myself in that spot, that brilliant spot I always hoped for. Maybe I took the wrong road but I am still able to do a course correction and get back on track. If I can get my fear in check, I can take a big stride and prove that the sky is not even a limit. I can fly!

I might be thirty many, but I still dream like a teenager. And I am allowing myself to feel stuff for the very first time. I am experiencing a renewal of my emotions. I am going to stop looking in all the wrong places, I am going to take life by the horns, change what I do not like, and hope for the best. I will take charge but go with the flow. I will only control what is controllable and put all of me into chasing my future. And with uncontrollable stuff, I just let the current of this massive river take care of me. Drowning is out of question. And fear can kiss my royal Spanish ass.

Let the fireworks begin!

Costant Craving

It has been a long time. Sex I had a few. Obsession too. Longing... I could write pages about longing. But its been a long time without writing and a long time without love.

I am craving the wonderful feeling that you get when you put a few words together. Even if nobody reads it. Even if it is only for myself. I wish I was disciplined enough to write a book, a bible of a tv show, even a movie. I envy people that can sit for hours and write to their hearts content because that is part of my nature, of who I am, a born communicator. I know I could probably some things better than they do, express feelings with more deepness, tell stories that have never been told and that are screaming in my imagination to fill a page. But I do not have the time, or maybe that is just an excuse. Maybe what I lack is energy, maybe it is just that discipline is not part of my personality. Inspiration is there, I have a thousand ideas in a day, I know that if I ever did it I would probably hit it big. But I do not know where to start, I do not know if I am mature enough, I do not know if someone will ever be interested in reading what I have to say apart from some friends or some acquaitances that would like to pry in my privacy, in my thoughts or in my feelings... as if I care. If people were not so afraid of being themselves, of showing who they are, naked to the world, maybe life will be better. But shame, pain, guilt... they are big monsters that eat them inside. I am not perfect, I know, but I am open, like the open book one day I'll write. The date is looming... and my life will change. Fucking daydreamer I am, I imagine my success is hiding in a bunch of lines.

But the biggest craving, aside from writing is LOVE. In capital letters. Sex will do as a substitute but what I really want is just plain LOVE. I want to recognize myself in the eyes of another human being and I want them to mirror themselves in mine. I want a love that hits me to the core and turns my world upside down. I want so badly to love and be loved. But maybe I do not want to settle for second best, I want true, beautiful, fucking romance novel love. I want to be naive, to leave all my reservations aside and still believe that is somebody out there that is dying to bump into me. I want a romantic movie, I want a love a affair that will be written in history books. I am Eloise trying to find her Abelard. That was love, not the juvenile hormones that hit Romeo and Juliet. And Romeo and Juliet were doomed and fictional characters after all...

Where are you? where will you find me or have a found you yet and do not know? My list of requests is long but is there really a twin soul out there as desperate as mine to find his equal? I promise you, wherever you are, that I will be myself and you'll see the light in my eyes ... and you'll be yourself, I will never try to change you or cut your wings. I will be strong but tender, honest, creative... I will push you forward, you will push me forward; looking ahead we will see the same road and we walk down that path together, hand in hand, heart in heart. Just find me... just hug me... just tell me you'll be there for me as I will be there for you. That you'll be my best friend and my lover. That you'll give me goosebumps and make me smile. I will sign for the same conditions, I am dying to give it to you. Just show up, tell me your name, tell me who you are...

I am here waiting... I am ready to whisper sweet nothings in your ear...And I am yours...